Love is all around

When you are down and depressed and fall into an all time low, it is nice to know that there are angels all around to help you even when you think you can handle all of it on your own.

I hit a low point over the last month and went to an all time low since my last in secondary school. Honestly, I thought I could handle all on my own and to a certain extent I still wish I never did tell anyone. But at the same time I'm glad I did.

Having crappy housemates for 6 months can take its toll on you. I never knew how badly I ctaved for human interaction until I spent time with more friends. It got to a point I wish the days i spent with them would never end and that I would not have to go home.

I started telling people how I felt and to some extent it just made me want to say more and it was weird. Weird because I have not been so open with others in a LONG time. I never realised how much I clamed up until this happened. I had no idea I had so many secrets I hid from myself until now.

Honestly, I am scared myself. These past week have made me seen a side of me I buried for years. I have never allowed myself to whine THIS much since secondary school. And I have never craved for THIS much attention in YEARS!

And this is my first posting that I am openly telling all about me.

I have buried a part of me and I was happy without it. I was free of depressive moments and I was always always mostly happy and the only negative feelings I had were that of sadness, which would be cured with sleep. I am not sure if I like this side of me resurracted because this side of me have caused so much damage in the past. I never want to go down that road again.

But through all this, I realised how important human contact truly is. Coming home to a vacuum for the last 6 months was causing me to become a walking emotional wreck. And I hate that side of me. I truly genuinely hate it. I would always rather be there for someone than for people to be there for me.

But thank God, I always had an angel beside me to help keep me together. This darling had been there to hear me whine, lend me a shoulder to cry on, listen to my fears, and even gave me a room when going home got too difficult. She too taught me so much about life outside and made me realise that there is more to me than me.

And somehow, God knew (ok, He always knows) that I was just going to spiral downwards and other stresses like the exams were just going to pull me down and he sent another.

This angel gave out words of wisdom that got me thinking, that got me on a search for me. I found me with all the parts I hated and all the parts I loved. This angel also heard me whine, let me cry and listened to me as I found the 'lost' parts of me.

Both these angels would always be friends I cherish and love and I am very very blessed to have them in my life.

*Thank you my darlings for being there for me when I was a walking wreckage. Thank you for letting me vent my frustrations even though they were at times blown out of proportion. Thank you for helping me find me. I love you both and and I am going to miss you both for the 2 weeks I am away but at the same time, I look forward to our big plans!*

There is another 2 angels in my life who have been there for me in other ways. Thay are full of warmth and full of God's love and it is evident in everything they do. And they are a physical reminder for me of the promise Marcus and I made when we got together - "That all who meet us and know us experience God's love and presence."

*Thank you for extending your warmth and opening your home. The two of you are a walking testimony for Marcus and myself that out aspirations and dreams of what we would like to achieve as a couple is possible and achivable. I look forward to to getting to know the two of you more and of course our road trip plans and study plans and stuff! Gonna miss the 2 of you too when I'm home for the 2 weeks!*

In my short time here, I have made good friends, friends who do not mind all the sides of me. Friends who have taught me to look beyond what I know and discover new perspectives. And for all that: I am thankful and I am reminded of how blessed I am.

Being away from home have also made me realise how important my darlings back home are to me. I actually miss having them push food down my throat and nagging at me to sleep. I miss their laughter and silly actions and of course being physically there with them.

*Hey there my dears... just a week more and we can phsically hug each other (except for Deb - it's ok just another 6 months)! Thank you for everything you guys have done for me, I know the three of you have tried hard to be there for me despite the distance and I truly apreciate it heaps. When I was being forced to eat here, I could not forget the time Xiao Wei bought cup noodles and bread because I refused to tell her what i wanted to eat! :P Thanks guys for everything... Love you all and miss you all heaps!*

I have also realised how terrible I am at keeping in contact and I know of 3 people who have been a little left out of my life. And I want to say this to them:

*Hey Kimmy, Horsey and Twin, sorry for my disappearing act. I really should write more and call more. I miss the three of you loads and I hope all of you are well. I would write soon and Kimmy and Val we can see each other really soon... :)*

When I started writing this post, i had no idea where I was headed but as I reach the end, I now truly understand what a dear friend told me:

"When you compress a emotion, you compress all your other emotions. But when you let yourself experience the compessed amotion in totality, your other emotions would heighten."

I am no longer floating through life, but experiencing it.

Thank you to all who helped me find me.

Love you all heaps!