Baggage Unloaded
Hello! It has certainly been a while since I blogged - due to the fact that there has just been to many on-goings in my life over the past few weeks, especially this past week.
What I am about to blog is very personal; those who know me well would know that this is very unlike me. But I guess when you experience an off loading experience you just want to share it.
Over the past few months, I've done alot of searching and self-reflection. Probably having an excess of time on my hands, and lack of a hectic schedule have caused my mind to wonder down to my heart - something I almost never conciously do.
I am not a girl with a heart of steel, as Cherie would say 'You cry alot.'. I do get all weepy in movies and have over-active tear ducts which seem to go into full swing almost evey time something sparks the nerve that is connected to the control tower in charge of them.
But at the same time I am able to steel myself against factors that I know would cause me to crumble into a pile of mush.
Many would know I am into my third relationship. I lost my first boyfriend to another girl and I left the second guy as his ego was bigger than his heart. Many wouldn't know if I completely healed from those heart breaks, as I am often on my feet after a few days. I am just like any average individual who forges into the realm of work to get out of sticky emotional crap. And that has kept me solid and not a pile of mush.
However, the question: 'Did you really heal?' crept up on me all of a sudden while I was in the middle of my current love tunnel.
The answer: I had moved on but I was still carrying the emotional baggage.
After weeks or even months of deliberation I sent a message to my first boyfriend demanding answers to questions that have left unanswered for years. The minute I sent it I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and it no longer mattered if he replied or not. The thing was that I had admitted that I was carrying an emotional baggage and have just released it.
He replied after a couple of weeks and because I had released the baggage, it didn't bother me that his answer wasn't the type of answer I had wanted. It was rather an answer I needed to hear. The lesson from the whole saga 4 - 5 years ago was not that I was not good enough but rather the lesson of going into something when one is not mature enough.
Just recently, I found out that my second boyfriend has found a significant other. This girl was a friend of mine (no big) whom I confided in after I broke up with him. This is the same girl who sent him a letter with a mystery content that caused him to go into a deliberation of whether he wanted to be with me or her.
My initial thought: BITCH!
However, after ,eeting up with a close friend of mine, I realized it was time to let go of this second emotional baggage.
"There are bigger things in life you should be thinking about, these are insignificant!"
OUCH! That stung like the sting of a queen bee!
But yet, how true that statement was.
After that 'painful' dinner, I made up my mind to let the pass go, and at once I found peace. Now to further force myself to completely letting it go, I may just invite these two to my 21st birthday, afterall they did play a part in my life and were my friends. They aren't my enemies but they aren't friends either, they are people whose path once crossed mine and left an imprint in my life's journey.
I have learnt now that everything people say and do, how you choose to react is bound to what perspective you choose to see it in. So as off today, I've shed the layers of protective layering I have built in the last 21 years and show my true essence.
I am who I am, and I live by my own rules not the rules of others.
And for those who know my family background: I am not going to bulldoze my way in, but I am no longer going to hide behind the curtain. It is about time I step out and show ME!
I used to be afraid of what I blogged as I was afraid that I would be criticized or even looked down upon; this is what I say now:
Feel free to post your comments and say how you feel, it is your perspective just as what I write is my perspective. This is my sounding board so I have the right to write whatever I like.
If people choose to judge me base on this, then it is up to them but it sure is a pity. As I am more than just what a bunch of words can tell.
What I am about to blog is very personal; those who know me well would know that this is very unlike me. But I guess when you experience an off loading experience you just want to share it.
Over the past few months, I've done alot of searching and self-reflection. Probably having an excess of time on my hands, and lack of a hectic schedule have caused my mind to wonder down to my heart - something I almost never conciously do.
I am not a girl with a heart of steel, as Cherie would say 'You cry alot.'. I do get all weepy in movies and have over-active tear ducts which seem to go into full swing almost evey time something sparks the nerve that is connected to the control tower in charge of them.
But at the same time I am able to steel myself against factors that I know would cause me to crumble into a pile of mush.
Many would know I am into my third relationship. I lost my first boyfriend to another girl and I left the second guy as his ego was bigger than his heart. Many wouldn't know if I completely healed from those heart breaks, as I am often on my feet after a few days. I am just like any average individual who forges into the realm of work to get out of sticky emotional crap. And that has kept me solid and not a pile of mush.
However, the question: 'Did you really heal?' crept up on me all of a sudden while I was in the middle of my current love tunnel.
The answer: I had moved on but I was still carrying the emotional baggage.
After weeks or even months of deliberation I sent a message to my first boyfriend demanding answers to questions that have left unanswered for years. The minute I sent it I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and it no longer mattered if he replied or not. The thing was that I had admitted that I was carrying an emotional baggage and have just released it.
He replied after a couple of weeks and because I had released the baggage, it didn't bother me that his answer wasn't the type of answer I had wanted. It was rather an answer I needed to hear. The lesson from the whole saga 4 - 5 years ago was not that I was not good enough but rather the lesson of going into something when one is not mature enough.
Just recently, I found out that my second boyfriend has found a significant other. This girl was a friend of mine (no big) whom I confided in after I broke up with him. This is the same girl who sent him a letter with a mystery content that caused him to go into a deliberation of whether he wanted to be with me or her.
My initial thought: BITCH!
However, after ,eeting up with a close friend of mine, I realized it was time to let go of this second emotional baggage.
"There are bigger things in life you should be thinking about, these are insignificant!"
OUCH! That stung like the sting of a queen bee!
But yet, how true that statement was.
After that 'painful' dinner, I made up my mind to let the pass go, and at once I found peace. Now to further force myself to completely letting it go, I may just invite these two to my 21st birthday, afterall they did play a part in my life and were my friends. They aren't my enemies but they aren't friends either, they are people whose path once crossed mine and left an imprint in my life's journey.
I have learnt now that everything people say and do, how you choose to react is bound to what perspective you choose to see it in. So as off today, I've shed the layers of protective layering I have built in the last 21 years and show my true essence.
I am who I am, and I live by my own rules not the rules of others.
And for those who know my family background: I am not going to bulldoze my way in, but I am no longer going to hide behind the curtain. It is about time I step out and show ME!
I used to be afraid of what I blogged as I was afraid that I would be criticized or even looked down upon; this is what I say now:
Feel free to post your comments and say how you feel, it is your perspective just as what I write is my perspective. This is my sounding board so I have the right to write whatever I like.
If people choose to judge me base on this, then it is up to them but it sure is a pity. As I am more than just what a bunch of words can tell.
3 Comments:
i'm sorry that we did not notice this all along. still, i am glad that you have found a way to remove these emotional baggages. its like fianlly there's a kind of peaculness in your heart you have not experienced before. =)
you go girl!!
well yah like wat xw said earlier.. we werent sharp enuff to notice the hurt u were still carrying..
hope everything is better now and hope you can find more peace in ur life after this.. =)
oh btw.. i cut my hair.. haha.. i look v jap girl... eeks!!! =(
you changed your link and you didnt tell me . rahhh ! lovess anw;
-stephh
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